In general, I am not a supporter of helping people cope with feelings or get rid of them, but when asked “ how to deal with resentment", I react differently than in other cases. I usually help people accept and learn to express their feelings.
But the feeling of resentment stands apart from all other feelings. Its main difference for me is that it is directed at the person himself and is destructive. It is very difficult to turn a feeling of resentment into a resource (as you can do with almost any other feeling). Every time a person gets offended, he wastes his life force without replenishing it with anything.
Therefore, in my opinion, it is necessary to cope with the feeling of resentment.
In the first part of the article “ Resentment " it was said about the origin and formation of a feeling of resentment and the reaction that follows it. From childhood, this feeling passes into a person’s adult life. In general, nothing changes.
An adult becomes offended if:
- perceives the situation as unfair
- does not have the resource to solve the problem in a constructive way
- unconsciously uses resentment as a feeling that suppresses some other feeling
- benefits (by being offended, he can manipulate the behavior of other people)
So how to deal with resentment?
It is difficult to provide one general scheme for solving a problem for all people, but for initial independent research, try the following points:
1. Answer the questions
Why are you interested in the question of how to cope with resentment? Why would you want to get rid of this feeling? How does it bother you? If there is no more resentment in your life, how will that change it?
2. Try to remember all the “forbidden” feelings in your childhood
Phrases like “good children don’t get angry”, “hating is bad”, “you can’t envy” may come to mind. Who forbade you from them?
How do you deal with these feelings now? Are they still “off limits” for you? What about other people?
If you can remember these phrases, you can re-evaluate these “truths.” Until now, they were so deep in the subconscious that questioning their correctness did not even arise. And now you can formulate your truths, for example, “the goodness of a child has nothing to do with the feelings he experiences,” “there are no bad or good feelings,” etc.
“If I could have any feeling, what would I experience in this situation?”
Why is this “forbidden” feeling so scary for you now? (If in childhood there was a fear of losing the love of significant adults, now it’s...?)
If you can figure out why you are so afraid to give vent to your feelings, then by dealing with these fears, you can begin to experience the full range of feelings, and not the resentment that replaces them, which will certainly make you a happier person.
4. Can you identify a group of people (or situations) with whom (in which) you most often experience feelings of resentment?
Who from your childhood do these people remind you of? What makes these situations special?
If you can draw parallels with specific people from your childhood, this will mean that you still feel like the child you were.
What to do with this understanding? Working with the Inner Child is very difficult and you may not be able to cope without the help of a psychologist. But the essence of solving the problem is to “grow” your Inner Child, to help him outgrow addiction.
5. Do you have any benefit from being offended?
Try to objectively assess how other people react when you feel hurt and act like you're being hurt.
If you see a benefit in your resentment, then first weigh, “what is more valuable to you: receiving this benefit or coping with the resentment?” If the benefit is more valuable, then you can do nothing further, since it will be pointless (no amount of work on yourself will yield results). If dealing with the offense turns out to be a priority, then 1) you need to recognize and accept the fact that it is beneficial for you to be offended 2) look for ways to get what you want in other ways.
6. About justice
What do you think about this? Answer for yourself the questions that were voiced in the first part (I will duplicate them here):
- How did you know it was there?
- Did someone promise you? Who? When?
- Based on the assumption of justice, how can it be explained that one is born rich and healthy, while another is born poor and sick?
- Why has “injustice” persisted for centuries? Is this "fair"?
- What function does belief in justice serve for you? How does she help you? What questions does it answer?
These are only the first steps towards solving the problem " how to deal with resentment" Many questions are difficult to answer on your own. But sometimes it is enough to think seriously about a problem and begin to study it, and much becomes clear. When there is understanding, the ability to control previously uncontrollable situations appears.
There are three main reasons that cause a person to resent others.
The first reason for resentment is manipulation, and deliberate manipulation. A person deliberately “pouts” to make another feel guilty. Most often girls do this when they want to get what they want from a man.
The second reason is the inability to forgive. Unfortunately, this is precisely what causes most grievances. If you look at this reason from the other side, then it can also be called manipulation, only unconscious. In this case, the person himself often does not understand why he was offended. I was just offended - that's all. But he knows very well how the offender can make amends for his guilt.
And the third reason for grievances is disappointed expectations. For example, a woman hopes that her beloved will give her a fur coat, but instead he gives her a large one. soft toy. Or a person expects that in a difficult situation his friends will offer help without any requests from him, but they do not offer. This is where resentment is born.
Mostly people become touchy under stress, depression, or a quarrel with a loved one. Those who are in a state of serious illness are usually especially touchy: they are often offended not only by loved ones, but also by the whole world. This feeling is characteristic mainly of the elderly and people with severe disabilities. People who feel sorry for themselves and love themselves too much are often offended by everything. They can be upset by even the most harmless jokes or remarks made about them.
What is resentment and how does it happen?
It is difficult to never be offended at all, but we can control this emotion. It should be remembered that in psychology there is such a concept as touchiness, that is, a tendency to constantly take offense at everyone and everything. You can and should get rid of touchiness. After all, this is no longer so much a feeling as a negative character trait, an undesirable state of mind.
An adult, even if the interlocutor’s words offended him, can calmly and judiciously continue the conversation. An adult and wise person, if there is a need, can calmly tell his interlocutor about his feelings. For example: “Sorry, but your words just now sounded very offensive to me. Perhaps you didn’t want this?” Then many unpleasant situations will be instantly clarified, and you will not have any resentment left in your soul and you will be able to maintain good friendly relations with the person who unwittingly offended you.
Consequences of frequent grievances
If a person does not engage in self-development and continues to be offended by everything, this can not only cause the development of all kinds of diseases (the so-called psychosomatic factor), but also lead to the loss of friends and constant conflicts in the family, even divorce. It is not for nothing that the Bible calls pride one of the most serious sins, because it is because of pride that a person is most often offended.
Because of an unforgiven insult that eats away at the soul, a person can spend a long time mainly trying to take revenge on his offender, coming up with various plans for revenge. This will occupy all his thoughts, and meanwhile his own life will pass by, and when he finally notices it, it may be too late.
Anyone who walks around with resentment in his soul gradually develops dissatisfaction with life, he does not notice all its charms and colors, and negative feelings eat away at his personality more and more. Then irritability, anger at others, nervousness and a state of constant stress may appear.
How to cope with resentment and stop being offended?
Figure out why you're offended
Start keeping a diary of your emotions, noting how you feel every half hour. It's amazingly simple and very effective remedy: you don’t seem to be doing anything, but you will definitely be less offended (and, in principle, negative). The next step is if you are still upset or offended, write down why. Specifically, why? Once the statistics are collected, you will have a list of your traditional mood lowerers. After that, think and write a list of your mood enhancers: what can you do to improve your mood? Once you write 50 points, you will begin to look at life much more confidently and cheerfully.
Look at life with a positive attitude
Train yourself to see the good in life. American scientists from Stanford University studied people who were easily offended and did not forgive their offenders for a long time. It turned out that those who switched to a more positive perception of life and managed to forgive began to quickly improve their health: their headaches and back pain disappeared, their sleep returned to normal and their mental balance was restored. How to change to a positive one? Be sure to watch the wonderful film "Polyanna" - and you will no longer want to live as before!
Value your time
Resentment takes up a lot of your time and energy, forcing you to do nonsense. Do you need it? Learn to value your time, write down your entire day minute by minute, which includes everything: work, rest, sleep - and get down to business. If you are busy with business, you will be less offended.
Play sports
Sports people are offended less often - tested! The most “anti-offensive” are extreme sports. If you are still afraid of these sports, start with simple exercises in the morning. Or maybe decide to douse yourself with cold water? Amazingly switches your head to joy and cheerfulness!
read books
Smart and educated people they are less offended - it's true! Read good books 1-2 hours a day, discuss books - this will become more interesting for you than being offended. What to read? Start at least with my books: “How to Treat Yourself and People”, “Philosophical Tales”, “Simple Right Life” - you won’t regret it.
Proper society
Write a list of those with whom you see and communicate most often. Highlight those who have good character and who you would like to be like. Cross out those who are often offended, envious, speak poorly of others, and who have other bad habits. Well, here are recommendations for you with whom you should communicate more often and with whom less often. Think about where else you can find a good, right environment.
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Resentment is something that haunts every person almost every day. All people are constantly offended by someone or offend someone. However, everyone is already so accustomed to considering offense as something everyday that they do not notice the damage it causes to each of the participants. It can have serious consequences in the future, so you should think about how to deal with the resentment. After all, it depends on you how strongly this or that incident will affect your psyche. And if you just can’t overcome the feelings gnawing at you on your own, this article will offer you several ways to deal with resentment. Explore them, choose the ones that suit you best, try them separately or in combinations. After all, it is very important to learn how to cope with resentment. Pretty quickly you will realize that your life is much better without her.
Resentment: how to deal with it
So, in this article you will learn how to deal with resentment. However, to do this, you need to understand what it is and why it manifests itself. Resentment is the feeling a person experiences when someone has said or done something unpleasant to him. However, it has differences from anger and other manifestations of negative emotions. Most often it is hidden, that is, a person feels that he is unpleasant, but does not tell about it to the person who offended him. This is precisely why problems arise. The fact is that grievances tend to accumulate, and also have an even more dangerous property - to grow. If someone has offended you, then it is best to resolve the situation as soon as possible, because the more the offense “ripens” inside you, the worse it will be for you. The person who gave you this unpleasant feeling may not even know about it. But at the same time, you have already gone through hundreds of situations in your head and inflated your resentment to unprecedented proportions. Although it could all start with any little thing.
The thing is that resentment is a manifestation of the inner child inside each person. You may be twenty-five or fifty years old, but deep down you still have a part of your childish ego. And because of this, an irrational reaction to a person’s statement or action occurs. Resentment lies inside a person and does not come out. And this can cause serious damage to your mental health. If you accumulate grievances and do not learn to cope with them, this can seriously affect your condition. This is why you need to learn how to deal with resentment. And this article will help you with this.
Talk
The first thing you need to understand if you want to know how to deal with feelings of resentment is that the person who hurt you is not a mind reader. Often he has no way of knowing that you didn't like what he said or did. Therefore, first of all, you need to try to suppress your childish ego at least a little in order to make room for rational thinking. How can a person feel guilty if he does not know that he is being blamed? Naturally, he will not come to you because he has no idea that he should do this. Therefore, you should definitely talk to this person. Tell him that you were offended by a specific remark or behavior of his. In most cases this works flawlessly. The person who offended you, if you approach him calmly and not with direct accusations, will also look at the situation from a rational point of view and understand what exactly he did wrong. This the simplest way how to cope with resentment towards a person. However, there are other methods that some may find more convenient or effective. They can also be used when the first method did not work.
Forgiveness
Many women wonder how to cope with resentment towards a man. After all, if you are in a relationship, then, most likely, the first method does not always work - you know each other too well for one of you to remain in the dark about the fact that he offended his partner. This method, which will be described now, is not only suitable for this case - you can use it in any situation in life. Its essence lies in the simplest forgiveness. When you are offended by a person, you mainly harm only yourself, so you should learn to forgive offenses without the participation of the other party. Instead of holding a grudge inside, forgive the person who offended you. Naturally, if he continues to do this further, then other actions will have to be taken, but if this is an isolated case, forgiveness may become the best option. So, if you are wondering how to cope, you should definitely try to simply forgive him, since you must not forget that he is the closest person in the world to you.
Lesson
If you're wondering how to deal with resentment and anger, then you most likely haven't tried to look a little deeper inside yourself. Often, even something positive can be learned from an insult. If you have been wronged, you can ease your suffering by engaging in self-reflection. Think about what caused such strong feelings. Most likely, the person offended you for something that is very relevant to you - what is it? Think about it and try to draw conclusions from it. As you can see, you can take something positive out of any situation that can help you in your future life.
Understanding
When you think about how to cope with a bad mood, irritation, or resentment, you most often think only about yourself. This is a completely normal trait for a person, but sometimes it is worth looking a little further than your own self. Almost always, an insult is perceived as a personal insult, and rare people they immediately begin to think logically and assume that the problem may not be about them at all. Sometimes someone may offend you by accident because something happened in their family or some important plans for them fell through. And you just fell under the hot hand. Therefore, you should not harbor a grudge, because in a few hours a person may already return to normal and forget about how he told you something, and you will still be offended by him. Try to understand the people around you, as often you will find yourself in their shoes and you will most likely want to be understood, and not immediately judged harshly.
Analysis
This paragraph is a kind of combination of some of the previous ones, since it will ask you to analyze the situation. If you want to learn how to deal with resentment and negative emotions, you need to think clearly and not give in to the manifestations of intense feelings. Analyze the situation: if you were offended by a stranger whom you will most likely never meet again, then you should not think about this offense at all. Forget about it and never remember it so that it does not interfere with your life. If the offense was caused by someone close and this is not the first time, then you will have to use other measures. Just remember that in this situation, your main weapon is a calm conversation, and not harsh accusations.
Expectations
It often happens that resentment arises because a person simply did not live up to your expectations. You implied that he would act in a certain way, since you are friends, colleagues, relatives, etc., but he acted completely differently, and for this you are offended by him. If you soberly look at this situation from the outside, you will understand that it is stupid and irrational. It has already been written above that no one is able to read your thoughts, so you should either make them public or not demand that a person do something that he does not consider necessary. If you think that your friend should have helped you in a particular situation, tell him about it, or just forget and don’t expect him to do something that he didn’t and doesn’t intend to do.
NLP
There is such a technique as neurolinguistic programming, abbreviated as NLP. With its help, the most difficult problems that people have are often solved, and it also allows one to cope with grievances. One of the most striking examples is the burning of a sheet of grievances. You need to write down on a piece of paper all the insults that a person has caused you, throw out all your emotions on paper, and then burn this sheet, imagining how they burn in the fire. It looks quite strange, but in reality it turns out to be an extremely effective method. You program yourself for your own happiness, and listing grievances and burning a leaf is just a symbol that allows you to convince yourself as simply as possible that you are the master of your own happiness.
Another option
Recently, NLP has become increasingly popular, so this article will present another method that relates to this technique. You need to write on paper the name of your offender and what exactly he did to you. After this, you need to write that you are for him. Repeat this several dozen times a day until your resentment goes away due to the fact that you program yourself for forgiveness by constant repetition of the action. Naturally, this approach should only be used if you are unable to forgive a person without any outside help.
Letting off steam
Well, another option that will allow you to forget the insult and cheer yourself up is to let off steam. If you have it good, if not, take a pillow or something similar. Well, then everyone understands what needs to be done: imagine that this is your offender, and let off steam on him. Naturally, this approach is recommended for use with strangers or not the closest people, such as, for example, a boss, and not a mother or husband.
Almost all of us sometimes feel offended, some more often, some less often.
Sometimes a feeling of resentment creeps in completely unnoticed, as if whispering something from within.
And sometimes it covers you with a big wave that can blow you away on its way.
Here are 7 mindfulness tools to help you find the cause and quickly free yourself from the need to be offended.
So what to do?
1. Get out of the “I am a victim” state.
When we say “I was offended,” as if we were declaring that I was offended, someone else is to blame for what is happening. There is an emotional reaction caused by another person's dissatisfaction. And this shifting of responsibility onto another is, in essence, a state of victimhood.
Therefore, instead of “I am offended,” say “I am offended.” By doing this, you take responsibility for the feeling that has arisen and can already work with it.
Is it easy to say? But with a little practice it's easy to do! – When you are offended, you shrink internally, you often become small and insignificant, as if nothing depends on you, everyone around you turns into an offender.
Express this with your body - just squeeze as you inhale, close completely, do it very, very strongly, and when you exit, straighten up, straighten your shoulders, straighten up, take a deep breath, say “I am not a victim, I am responsible for my inner state, for myself.” , your life and your reality, I am a creator! If necessary, repeat several times: quickly shrink, as if being offended, then quickly open, showing a different state - creation and responsibility for your creations.
Who you choose to be at such a moment - a victim or a creator - is your will and your responsibility.
2. Look at yourself through the eyes of the offender
TOEvery person sees this world from his own bell tower and very often cannot see the whole picture, and understand other people's points of view. We tend to consider ourselves correct, but others are not. Logical?
Therefore, if we try to take the position of another, try to understand or simply see the situation through the eyes of another, why the other did this, what prompted him to do this, then we will be able to see the whole picture as a whole, and not just from our own bell tower - from the position of “I’m right.” And often being offended in general becomes ridiculous, illogical and completely unnecessary.
After all, we are offended by parents, wives, husbands, friends, people in general, by some situations... simply because they had no time, because they saw the situation in their own way, forgot to do something, or were not in the mood, or left something unsaid, misunderstood something, or in general life for the fact that situations do not turn out the way we want.
So why be offended by this? We are all living people, we can all forget, get tired, say something that is not what we meant, hurt, cannot cope with emotions...
You can learn to work with your emotional states, including resentment, in the free introductory course “.”
3. Ask “What am I missing right now? What exactly do I want now?” – and give it to yourself.
Often behind a grudge lies a desire to receive something, a lack of something, which can be fully compensated with the help of a grudge - attention, love, understanding, etc. It is so easy to manipulate a grudge, making someone guilty and demanding that they do something - then for you. The mechanism “if I’m offended, I’ll get something” is often written inside.
But! 1x, you can ask others for what you need directly, 2x, you can give yourself what you need yourself. – This is an adult position when you can take care of yourself without shifting responsibility to anyone.
4. Separate the childish part of yourself from the adult and give your childish part love and protection.
Most often, being offended is a childish state, it is a wounded inner child who is missing something and asks for help. So help him - find this part of yourself, your inner child, understand what his wound or trauma was, hug him, say “I’m here, I’m nearby, I’ll take care of you, you’re under my protection, I love you very much.” .
5. Tell yourself “Stop.” I don't want to poison myself."
The brain sends a signal to the body to produce certain hormones, increase blood flow..., - starts chemical reaction in the body. It’s just that resentment is quite toxic, it flows into the body like a slow poison, and if there is a lot of it, it can completely undermine health or some vital function in the body.
If resentment destroys me first of all, it poisons my body, my thoughts, my condition as a whole, is it worth being offended? Does this serve my good? Or is it at least worth thinking about, do I want to poison myself in this way or will I choose something else?
6. Ask yourself “How do I really feel?”
Often behind the offense there is anger, anger, a feeling of injustice, a desire to defend oneself, acute dissatisfaction with the situation, etc. But it is not customary to express anger and anger, you cannot stomp your feet, shout loudly, express your disagreement, create a conflict... But it is quite possible to be offended.
If there are completely different emotions behind the offense, acknowledge them and allow yourself to release them, at least in private.
7. Change your usual way of responding.
If offense is your usual reaction: someone said something - you were offended, often without even understanding why, then it is important to cultivate a new habit - instead of being offended, for example, take a few deep breaths, switch your attention, start making funny faces and laugh... You can ask where this resentment is in the body and breathe “in this place.” I usually start doing a little exercise, even if I'm sitting, this quickly helps release this charge in the body.
The most important thing here is not to suppress the emerging emotion of resentment, not to push it inside, but to switch your attention and action to something else. So that you don’t get stuck on the offense, but, having understood the usual way of reacting, replace it with something else.
As you can see, resentment is like a signal , showing “there is something there!”, “pay attention to me.” And at such moments, instead of plunging into its whirlpool and stewing in it, analyzing the behavior of the offender, how bad he/she is and what he is to blame for, you should turn your attention to yourself and figure it out with yourself: “why am I behaving like this?” way? what is my benefit? and what motivates me?”
And at this moment you can see that it is beneficial for you to feel this way, this feeling gives you something, because it supports internal trauma, belief, emotion, state of sacrifice, etc. And I hope, with the help of the proposed mindfulness tools, you will realize this reason and quickly free yourself from the need to react to something with resentment.
How do you deal with resentment? Which of the proposed methods will you take into your treasury of actions? – Share in the comments below!
Good luck in everything, Evgenia Medvedeva
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