Good afternoon.
I have problems, but I cannot fully understand them and understand how to deal with them.
Something broke inside me. About 5 years ago, maybe more. I began to exist, not live. Do what I'm told, not what I want.
I have no plans, goals, dreams in life. I gave up all my hobbies and don’t do anything. I'm comfortable with myself alone. I don't need constant communication with people, only periodic ones. I don't have emotions for people, I don't love anyone. In my understanding, there are no words like “love” and “envy”.
The only thing that has changed during this period is that I have become more open to people, I communicate more easily and I realized that I need psychological help.
I have good brains and a good appearance, but my potential is not revealed, and my appearance is not ideal (I am a perfectionist, a notorious perfectionist =))).
Study to be a lawyer. I hate this profession. My parents decided for me. I want to be creative, but I’m too lazy to combine them. I want to enjoy life and accept myself, because complexes have put an end to my personal life.
Disappointment in the world (everything can be bought; no one looks at grades, just to get the crust; etc.) does not give me the incentive to try and develop anything. The only thing that remains in me from my former self is the craving for the “higher”. Starting from the 6th grade, students are interested in the topic of eternal life, rebirth, enlightenment of consciousness (not to be confused with eternal youth).
All my life I have been struggling with the feeling that I am doing the wrong thing; I am in the wrong place and my mission for the world is different.
But, unfortunately, it is impossible to live an ordinary human life or follow the path of self-development (and higher).
I'm almost 21. I'm a Pisces the Pisces (regular and Zoroastrian horoscope), a rat. Maybe this will say something...
Acceptance is a fashionable concept in popular psychology. When we find ourselves in a difficult situation that we cannot change, we are advised to accept it. When someone quarrels with a loved one, they are told to “accept him as he is.” And of course everyone knows that self-acceptance- This necessary condition, to be happy .
However, such advice most often only causes anger and indignation. Self acceptance strongly associated with defeat, passivity and even despair.
“Accept it” seems like something along the lines of “carry on as you are and be happy with it.” It’s as if we are being asked to give up hopes for the best and active actions and convince ourselves that we need to be happy with what we have. Of course, this causes protest.
But is this really what self-acceptance is? What should you take? And for what?
You need to accept reality. To understand what this is, I propose to first understand what it means to NOT accept reality. Every person and society as a whole has an idea of how life works. And also ideas about right and wrong, good and bad...
We live based on a certain map of reality built by our consciousness. However, this map is just a model, in some places greatly simplified, in others embellished with swords and fantasies. The place on this map is sometimes occupied not by the real landscape of life, but by the stereotypical ideas that we have borrowed from society.
For example, let’s take the hackneyed idea of women’s happiness, already worn out in various discussions.
No matter how many times they told the world that no universal recipe To be happy that different people may have different needs and goals, all the same, the idea that an accomplished woman is only a married woman with children is firmly rooted in society.
And often a woman, trying to understand what she wants, involuntarily compares herself with this stereotype, and evaluates her satisfaction with life not by how she feels, but by how much she corresponds to the stereotype of a happy woman. And of course, not meeting the standard can make you unhappy if you don’t have the habit of relying on your feelings.
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“Self-acceptance - what is it and why is it not the same as defeat?»
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Question for a psychologist:
Hello. Help, please, I'm eating myself up from the inside. Just questions. My mother and I have similar problems. We both grew up in a family where we were loved. She always had everything, her parents loved her, she was an excellent student. I am the only child in the family, I received a lot of attention. The only thing is that my father never helped financially, so I’m used to doing everything myself, I’m not used to asking and receiving something from someone, because of this, even now I can’t ask for anything from men and I don’t receive anything from them, not in the sense of material, but even help I don't know how to ask. And here I am, who grew up in relative love and care and attention, I all the time, like my mother, try to act in such a way as to gain approval from others, I am afraid of what they will think of me, I always ask what I should do, and if I receive disapproval from others , then I don’t. I’m also afraid to argue or say something contrary, to express my opinion, so as not to seem somehow different in the eyes of others. I always try to seem good and kind. And when I start showing character and saying that I don’t like it, people take it with hostility. I have no inner core, I always compare myself with others. I think I'm the worst. That I'm not good enough. That I have many shortcomings, that’s why I can’t build a relationship. For some reason, men don’t stay with me for long. I can't figure out why. In front of them, I don’t seem to blame myself, I don’t blame them. I just tell them about my feelings and they immediately disappear from my life. I sometimes tolerate inappropriate behavior towards myself. I “swallow” everything. What could be the cause, because of what problems in childhood, that I constantly attract all the negativity to myself, do not accept myself as I am, compare with others, crave approval and praise from others? How can I fix this? I've always been not very good a good relationship with my father because he was drinking. But recently I stepped over myself and had a heart-to-heart talk with him. And we even started calling each other on the phone now. I immediately wanted to tell him about something that was happening to me. Although I've never called him before. I tried to accept him as he is. But my relationships with men have never improved (when I ask my exes what I did wrong. Maybe I’m bad - to which everyone around me tells me that I’m a good person, that I’m smart, beautiful, wonderful... but how They don’t love me as a woman, only as a friend). Everyone around me is delighted with me, despite some of my shortcomings. Women want me as their daughter-in-law. And from all this I get the impression that something is wrong with me. That others already have families, children, success, happiness, but I’m 26, and I have Serious relationships it never really happened. I dated 2 guys in total. While divorced women with children are willingly married, I am lonely, young, and beautiful. This is such a mess. As a specialist, of course, something will be clear to you and you already have some kind of diagnosis for everything that I said. Help me please!
Psychologist Olga Valerievna Platonova answers the question.
Hello!
Daria, before looking for answers to the questions that concern you, it would be correct to conduct a personal assessment of your behavior - set priorities, defining your “asset” (advantages) and “passivity” (what you lack for complete happiness - what depends on you, and not on assessments from the outside, the external environment).
Your request clearly shows an external focus on the opinions of other people. In this regard, a few questions for you: what do you strive to get when you seek approval from other people? Recognition, compliments, praise, evaluation of actions, external evaluation, etc.? When do you especially need recognition, assessment from the outside: always, sometimes, in what specific situations? Do you strive to get approval from whom: from any (all) people, relatives, women, men, friends, colleagues, etc.? Here it is important to be specific: when, under what circumstances and from whom you expect what.
So, if you focus on the people with whom you communicate in general, there is a big risk of losing your “I”. Wanting to please, to be polite to everyone, forces you to end up doing something that is not what you personally would like. And not getting the desired relationship as well.
It’s difficult to talk about childhood crises and how they can affect personal life now; it’s hypothetical to diagnose the causes of current problems in yourself in the past, in childhood, along the family line; in order to track a problem in the past and work through it, you need a face-to-face consultation with an expert. But, in addition to problems in childhood (childhood experiences, emotional traumas) that could affect the current state of affairs, there are: habits, the ability to correctly set a goal, character, developed ways of behavior, established beliefs, a value system, communication skills, self-esteem, etc. Through awareness and development of interfering/missing behavior, you can achieve the desired result.
When your actions depend not on you, but on other people: if you don’t have your own guidelines (more precisely, there are guidelines, but they are strongly tied to others), if you cannot confidently state your position, there is no inner core, then other people can either use it's against you, or stop communicating, because... Your personality is hidden behind the desire to please, to be good to people. Work on self-esteem, self-acceptance, development of the inner core and demonstration of it suggests itself. You indicated your “passive” - what you don’t possess, what you don’t know how to do - you don’t know how to express yourself, you don’t know how to say “no”. You mentioned your “asset” - you know how to please other people.
Choose a behavior that you want to develop in yourself that will help you achieve your desired goal and set yourself a goal for the near future.
Remember that it is okay to be different. Being convenient for others makes it difficult to occupy an important, meaningful place. Please note, the so-called girls are “bitches”, they allow themselves to be as it suits them in a particular situation, and they know how to be good, friendly, etc. It’s good when behavior is timely, appropriate and does not contradict personal guidelines either.
Is there a risk that behaving “badly” will lead to the breakdown of the relationship? There is, of course, just like if you please in a relationship (the desire to be correct, expected, does not lead to strengthening the relationship). That's right - this is when your goals are taken into account too.
Thus:
Identify the need behind the desire for approval?
Think about how you personally, for yourself, could realize this need (not only through the recognition of others). When can we resolve the issue? different ways depending on us - there is more freedom and confidence.
Identify the behavior you are missing to train, for example, saying “no”. Try for some time, every day, to refuse a series of requests. To make it easier to say “no,” justify for yourself why “no” (when “no” is more environmentally friendly, more humane, more correct, more honest, more reasonable). To soften the answer, use different intonations (you can say “no” calmly and confidently and “yes” - annoyingly).
To help - trainings in public speaking skills, stage (acting) skills, communication trainings, personal growth (trainings, literature, video lessons).
If you know your strong qualities that you like, you know the pros and cons, then it’s easier to understand which type of people is more inclined towards you - it’s a question of a combination of characters (it’s possible that the men with whom you didn’t have a good relationship left not because It was not right for you to express your feelings, but it’s just not the right character).
Try to be different, try to be the person you would like to be. After all, there will always be people who don’t like something. And, as you can see, trying to be comfortable and meet expectations does not lead to what you want. “Goodness” does not work in its pure form only because everyone can have their own definition of it, and also - it can be boring; interest is added by the variety of character, his individuality.
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The biggest temptation in our lives is not success, popularity or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity and power can indeed be great temptations, but their seductiveness is often part of one larger temptation - not to accept yourself.
When we agree to believe the voices that tell us we are worthless and unworthy, success, popularity, and power are easily accepted as successful methods of solving the problem. The real pitfall, however, lies in not accepting yourself as you are. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly I give in to this temptation. When I am accused or criticized, rejected, betrayed or abandoned, I say to myself: “Well, now it is clear again that I am nothing.” Instead of critically examining all the circumstances or understanding my abilities and the abilities of others, I tend to blame myself not only for what I have done, but also for the fact that I am who I am. My dark side whispers: “I am a worthless person... I only deserve to be pushed away, forgotten, rejected and abandoned.”
You may feel that you are more prone to arrogance than to self-acceptance. But think about it, isn’t arrogance the other side of self-rejection? Doesn't an arrogant person put himself on a pedestal so that no one can see him for what he is in his own eyes? Maybe, after all, arrogance is just another way to get rid of feelings of insignificance? Self-denial and arrogance equally tear us out of real life and make it very difficult, almost impossible for people to peacefully coexist. I am well aware that underneath my arrogance lies a fair amount of doubt, just as there is pride hidden behind my refusal to accept myself. Whether I puff up with pride or shrink with low self-esteem, I lose touch with who I really am and distort my view of reality.
I hope that you can somehow recognize within yourself the temptation of self-rejection, whether it is expressed in arrogance or low self-esteem. Self-rejection is often considered a neurotic manifestation of an insecure person. But in neurosis, the dark side of the soul, deeply hidden from everyone, often makes itself felt through the human psyche: painful sensation that you don’t belong among other people. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of spiritual life because it contradicts the voice from above calling us “Beloved.”
— When understanding our problems or the problems of another person, very often we are faced with the fact that a person lacks what is colloquially called “self-love.” Those. some kind of internal conflict. This is also called a lack of self-acceptance. Can you clarify what this is correctly called, or - if these are different concepts - how they differ?
There is a certain category of moralists, a little far from this topic, who say: why love yourself - this is selfishness. But still, when we understand, we understand that selfishness and self-love are two different things. How, in your opinion, is the difference between self-love and selfishness?
— Self-love is what is called self-acceptance. The better a person feels about himself, the better he feels about others. The more he accepts himself, the easier it is for him to accept other people and focus on them.
And selfishness is when it is difficult for a person to focus on other people.
Unfortunately, the word “selfishness” in our culture has a strongly evaluative character. It is believed that an egoist is a bad person. This is a very superficial judgment. A person is selfish not because he could, A doesn't want focus on those around you. A person is selfish because can not consider others. An egoist is a psychologically exhausted person. The internal resource of such a person is so devastated that the “egoist” involuntarily directs all efforts towards maintaining himself. His entire consciousness is pulled inward, directed egocentrically.
Self-love helps improve relationships with others, and selfishness is the absence of such relationships.
— Is an inferiority complex also a direct consequence of self-dislike?
— Here we need to agree on terms. An inferiority complex is not at all an idea of one’s own disabilities. We see a lot of people who very modestly assess their capabilities, but at the same time do not give the impression of being complex. A person who says: “I suffer so much from my disorganization!”, or “I’ll never learn to drive a car in my life!”, does not seem at all problematic. On the contrary, he looks attractive.
What is an inferiority complex? This is a person’s idea not of his merits or demerits, but of what he deserves because of them, what he can expect for his achievements or failures. “Inferiority complex” means that a person expects (usually unconsciously) an evaluative attitude towards himself. You did it, you achieved it - you’re good, well done. Didn't do it, made a mistake - bad. A person with an inferiority complex is afraid of his shortcomings, afraid to admit them (even to himself), because he feels that it would be right for him to be judged, ridiculed, not counted, not included in the lists, omitted - in general, ostracized in any form.
An inferiority complex is negative self-acceptance.
- What is the reason for not loving yourself?
— I would say that there are two reasons for not loving yourself. The first, both in importance and in chronology, is the one that develops in childhood, when there is not yet and cannot be any love or dislike for oneself. This is the love or dislike of parents for their child.
In fact, all mentally intact parents love their children. But a child’s love or dislike for himself is not influenced by our parents’ inner spiritual kitchen, which is invisible to anyone, not by our deepest feelings. The child’s self-acceptance is affected by what the parents “get out of it.” And when a child sees that they are scolding him, that they are dissatisfied with him, that they do not sympathize with him, he inevitably takes it all personally. He develops the feeling that he deserves it all. This is negative self-acceptance. You and I understand that we love the child, and that is why we worry about him. But he can’t see it at this moment. Let us remember ourselves as children: when we were scolded, when we were dissatisfied, we felt that we were not loved, and - what is most important - that they did not love us correctly.
On a conscious level, a child can be offended, snap back, laugh it off, but on a deeper, unconscious level, he quickly gets used to the fact that he and his experiences do not deserve real acceptance.
This first reason for decreased self-acceptance, the source of self-dislike, persists and works for us throughout life, because a person at any age remains the child of his parent. Even when parents are no longer in the world.
Starting from adolescence (from adolescence), a second source is added, which powerfully influences our self-acceptance. The psyche is structured in such a way that people treat others and themselves equally. At the dawn of life, when a baby is not yet different from a baby animal (kitten, puppy, monkey), in his psyche there is still no “I” and attitude towards himself, but there is only “they”, those around him, and attitude towards them. Attitudes towards others with a minus or plus sign are formed according to an obvious simple mechanism. “Good” individuals are those who are kind to me, do good to me, feed me, stroke me, comfort me, take me in their arms, give me shiny and tasty things that I reach for.
It is clear to which individuals an attitude with a minus sign develops.
Later, as the “I” forms, our psyche evaluates it according to exactly the same criteria. We love or dislike ourselves for exactly the same reason that we love or dislike those around us - for our social face, our social image. And when this image is similar to the image that I condemn from someone else, the “I” is also condemned by my psyche, regarded with a minus sign.
— What is a social image?
— Social image is what I am in relation to people. How friendly or indifferent I am, tolerant or critical.
Since I perceive with a plus sign only those people who are friendly, sympathetic, tolerant towards me, and not critical and edifying, then I myself am perceived by my psyche with a plus sign only if I manifest myself in the same way. If I manifest myself negatively, critically, edifyingly, protestingly - whatever the reasons, no matter how logical I am in my edifyingness, autoimmune aggression and non-acceptance of myself inevitably develop. When someone yells at me, when someone scolds me, punishes me, deprives me, ridicules me, my psyche does not understand whether he is right or wrong, she instantly rejects him: I don’t want this, I don’t love this person. And my psyche treats me in the same rejecting way.
At the same time, those around me can treat my aggression quite acceptingly, even sympathetically, understanding that I am not bad, but I feel bad. But it won't save me. A person who yells at others does not love himself, even if those around him react to this with understanding and acceptance.
— Nowadays there are a lot of trainings to improve self-esteem. How is increasing self-esteem different from increasing self-acceptance?
— In general, this is a question of terminology. I don’t know all the trainings in the world, maybe there are some among them that are in tune with what we are talking about, but most of the trainings I know about to increase self-esteem are purely technical in nature. Those. they aim to develop a person's positive view of his or her capabilities. Stand in front of the mirror and say: “I can, I can, I can... I am successful. I'm confident. I will definitely succeed." In my opinion, these are superficial technical efforts that do not deeply and lastingly change our true self-confidence, our resilience, our self-acceptance.
— Is non-acceptance of oneself necessarily associated with low self-esteem? Those. Does low self-acceptance lead to low self-esteem?
“Then we need to define what we call self-esteem and what we call self-acceptance.” The following terminology is familiar to me: self-esteem is a person’s idea of his strengths and weaknesses; about what I can/can’t do, about what I can count on and what I can’t. Self-acceptance is not about thinking about my strengths and weaknesses, but about what I deserve for them.
We can talk about this alternative: positive and negative self-acceptance. Similar to high and low self-esteem. Negative self-acceptance is the feeling that I deserve to be judged and punished for my wrongdoings. Positive self-acceptance is the feeling that, due to exactly the same misdeeds and shortcomings, I deserve sympathy.
- So, I have the right to conclude that our self-esteem also does not depend on self-acceptance, and a person with low self-acceptance can have very high self-esteem.
- Yes, in this terminology, according to these definitions - yes, of course. A person can be sure that he is a brilliant chess player and world champion, and at the same time suffer from self-dislike.
- And now, if we move on to how you can actually solve the problem of self-acceptance and self-love. We talked about this topic with different people, and there are two conceptually different approaches. One approach is that you need to accept yourself no matter what. And the second approach is to understand: what you don’t accept yourself for, and change it in yourself.
Is it possible to accept yourself while remaining a scoundrel? Let's say you are some not very good person. Can you accept yourself despite this? Is this theoretically possible? Or do you need to change, become better, and then you can accept yourself fully?
— The answer follows from what was said above. Positive self-acceptance is a fundamental attitude towards my shortcomings as something that I did not choose for myself, for which I am not to blame. This is my problem, my problem, but not my fault.
— Are there qualities with which you can never fully accept yourself?
- Now the most important question: what do you need to do to accept yourself? What can a person do?
— The clue lies in understanding the history of the problem. So we said that there are two main reasons, two factors that influence our self-acceptance - this is the relationship with our parents and our socialization. It is in these two places that we need to treat.
The first question: when, in what case should it be treated? When a person notices that he is very dissatisfied with something: his internal plan, his state, mood, his relationship with people and with life; when he notices that he is overly irritable or overly self-confident, or changes sexual partners very often, or mechanically does something he doesn’t like. In general, when you are not happy with some important things in life.
— Is guilt also one of the signs of negative self-acceptance?
- Yes. But guilt is a clear indicator. But the rest of the indicators that I listed are not often perceived as an indication that something is wrong with me. When a person doesn’t like his job, or his husband, wife, or anything else, he is very tempted to look for problems outside. Instead, it is worth understanding that these specific everyday troubles were led to by some of our own internal difficulties, which we are afraid to recognize in ourselves and therefore cannot cope with them. This fear is called low self-acceptance. We need to increase self-acceptance in the two most important areas that we have described.
— How to treat relationships with parents?
— This has already been covered in detail in our conversation with you “Adopting Parents,” but it can be repeated in a condensed form. The logic is this: lack of self-confidence, fear of responsibility, fear that I will be caught, that I will be scolded, that I will be ridiculed - it has been with us since childhood, like any fear. The life experience that shaped this fear in us in childhood turns out to be a most regrettable misunderstanding. When the child’s parents scolded him, the child naturally believed that this is how relationships work, this is how life works. If I was late, if I broke something, lied, got a bad grade, of course they would scold me. How could it be otherwise?
Maybe! This is easy to understand by imagining that if our parents at the same moment - with the same offense of ours, with the same deuce, with the same broken cup, were simply in a much better mood, they would obviously react to the same episode much more good-natured and tolerant.
This means that it turns out that all the parental negativity, all the parental edification, the criticism from which we suffered in childhood were a manifestation only of their condition, and not of our guilt, not of their attitude towards us, not of how relationships between people generally work.
Now, if you really take this into your head, if you really understand about your parents, that it turns out that it was bad for them, and not they are bad, and we are not bad, then self-acceptance increases powerfully. Our psyche ceases to take parental negativity personally.
To truly understand this about your parents means to practice this understanding actively, and not just mentally. We need to behave towards them in the same way as we behave towards people whose discomfort is obvious to us, who feel very badly, and who have it written all over their faces. How do we behave towards such people? We begin to support them, console them, take care of them, and participate in their circumstances. This entire set of measures should be directed at parents. In psychology this is called “adopting parents.” If you do this for quite a long time, there is no need to create illusions - self-acceptance increases greatly.
- Thank you. What to do with the second factor - your social image?
- What is important here is the measure of our goodwill in everyday life - how friendly and sympathetic I am towards others. We must remember that our psyche counts only those manifestations of us that are difficult as such goodwill. When we are kind in response to another person's kindness, that is barter. It’s very easy, so it doesn’t tonify our psyche. And it’s tonic when we take out the neighbor’s trash, for example, from the landing, although the neighbor defiantly puts it there and doesn’t think about what will happen next; when we are sincerely polite to someone who talks to us dryly, “over the shoulder.”
What can you internally rely on here so as not to feel like you’re fawning, “bowed in”? For a correct understanding of the reasons for this dryness, this neglect. This is only a manifestation of our partners’ lack of self-confidence, this is their fear of giving in, fear of appearing weak.
If you yourself are afraid of appearing weak and are afraid of giving in, and you are so traumatized by these manifestations of your neighbor that you are unable to respond to them asymmetrically, you have the right to your weaknesses, you have the right to your indifference. But just don’t expect that your psyche will be in good shape.
“It turns out that you won’t be able to love yourself while sitting on the couch through mental effort.” Actions are needed - actions are needed in relation to parents, and rather long-term ones, and in relation to other people.
- Absolutely right. The structure of the psyche is determined by the structure of activity.
“Many people who suffer from lack of self-acceptance consciously or unconsciously hope that the love of some person, or perhaps the attention of a group of people, will help them feel better about themselves. Someone goes into show business so that everyone will love him. And someone is looking for one person of the opposite sex, hoping that his love will overcome everything - this whole childhood is difficult - and in this way I can love myself. How justified are these hopes?
- Yes, these are very common hopes, but, unfortunately, completely illusory. A person loves or dislikes first of all myself in relationships with others. I repeat: if he is not sympathetic enough, then no amount of participation in him from those around him will lift him up.
“A person hopes that the high appreciation of others will help him. He achieves great success in some business, and everyone respects him for this success. He still has his problems, right?
— You can say yes, but this would be a slightly sketchy answer. Because if a person achieves some kind of success that has a public resonance, it means that this activity has some kind of meaningful part - he did something that is important and good for people. And this will naturally increase his self-acceptance.
And the pleasure of other people's praise is a drug. It makes you feel good, but only for a while, and then you need a new dose, an even larger one.
— What should a partner do for a person who doesn’t like himself? Someone either fell in love with such a person, or had already started a family with him, and realized that the second person had the same problem - a lack of self-acceptance. Can he help him somehow, other than advice?
- Yes. Advice is the last thing that can help. And first of all, here's what. Reduced self-acceptance is the habitual expectation that if I honestly tell you everything - how I screwed up today, how I was late somewhere, let someone down, lost the keys to my apartment, spent half the night on the Internet... - in general, If I honestly talk about my shortcomings, then, naturally, you will judge me, at least silently.
The self-acceptance of such a person increases only through the formation of new life experiences, when he is faced with the fact that in response to all these confessions he is not condemned.
— That is, give him the acceptance that his parents did not give him.
- Absolutely right. And for this we need to remember that the alternative to condemnation is sympathy, when a person can tell everything about himself and be met only with sincere empathy: “I understand how sick of this you are,” “I understand how nervous you were,” “I can imagine how scared you were.” "...
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