: if in their minds they are already “playing out” the scene in the hall of the Wedding Palace, then their boyfriend, as they say, is in no mood. Not only does he, in principle, do not plan anything serious in relation to the young lady. But the girl either doesn’t notice this or doesn’t want to notice.
Director of the Vladimir dating agency “Me and You”, family psychologist, interpersonal relationship consultant Elena Kuznetsova listed the six most obvious signs that the young man does not have far-reaching plans for the young lady.
1. Dating is usually spontaneous.
Almost always, when saying goodbye after a date, a man says: “We’ll call you” (let’s write, see each other, etc.), without specifying exactly when this will happen. A boyfriend can disappear for several days, and then suddenly show up and invite you to a restaurant. Such spontaneity most often indicates that the girl is clearly not in first place in the young man’s priorities. In other words, . So, what serious intentions can we talk about in this case?
The only exceptions are those who work a lot and do not belong to themselves. They see their chosen one only when a “window” appears in their busy schedule. At this time, a man can call and ask, for example: “What are you doing? Let's meet".
2. Doesn’t introduce you to relatives and friends
Here we should immediately make a reservation. If a guy introduced you to his parents and (or) friends, this does not mean that he has serious intentions towards you. Perhaps it is in the order of things for him to introduce his next passion to mom, dad and his company. So . But if a young man avoids introducing you to his loved ones, then this is...
“If within six months of a close relationship a man does not introduce a woman to either his family or friends, he is unlikely to. There is no point in hoping for a future together with such a gentleman,” Kuznetsova warns.
3. He doesn’t get acquainted with the girl’s close circle.
4. Doesn't talk about the future
According to Elena Kuznetsova, men, in principle, do not like to discuss the future with their chosen one. Something like: “Let’s get married, build a house outside the city and get a dog,” - this is not about talk of the stronger sex. Topics of a shared future are more often raised either by youngsters or by those whose confidence is well supported financially.
Everyone else avoids long-term planning. However, if a man is really seriously interested in a woman, he will still say the “code” phrase: . It should sound within six months of your dates. If, after six months of close communication, the gentleman does not invite you to move in with him, or does not offer to rent an apartment together, etc., then most likely he is not planning a future with you. You already suit him quite well - how. For example, for intimacy.
“If a man is seriously interested in you, he... He wants to smell you constantly, touch you constantly. He likes to take care of you, and he likes that you take care of him. In this case, the partner quickly invites the girl to live together. Provided, of course, that they are both free and there are no reasons preventing life together", the psychologist summed up.
5. Doesn't call him his girlfriend
It’s quite difficult to imagine a situation in which a man would ceremoniously say: “This is Masha. " If a young man introduces his crush to relatives or close friends, then they, in principle, already know who Masha is.
On the other hand, it has now become quite fashionable to call the young lady with whom a man mainly dates simply “a friend.” The word "girl" has a deeper meaning. This is a certain status that implies not just intimacy, but also more serious relationship. It happens that a man makes a “Freudian slip” when he is suddenly asked: “Is this your girlfriend?” And a guy who treats a young lady “without fanaticism” can automatically answer: “No.”
Kuznetsova emphasizes that this point is ambiguous, and advises young ladies to focus on men’s actions, because “a man should do, not say.”
6. Dates always end in sex.
This indicator is also not obvious, but nevertheless. If the couple’s relationship was initially based solely on sex, then the man will perceive your meetings exclusively in an intimate context.
If the “mixture” was initially not only about, but also about mutual sympathy, as well as interests other than sex, then the guy can meet the girl without “bed continuation”, but this will not mean at all that he has serious plans for your future together .
“Sex plays a huge role in a couple’s life, but not that much. Maybe the girl is a pleasant conversationalist, and the couple can watch a movie together or discuss something. There is nothing special about this, and it does not mean that the man has serious intentions towards the woman,” states Kuznetsova.
If you have questions for psychologist Elena Kuznetsova, you can ask them by writing a letter to the email address of the AiF-Vladimir editorial office: [email protected] .
As Lev Landau said, “A good thing cannot be called a marriage!” Apparently, his statement is deeply embedded in the heads of some men who do not want to tie themselves into marriage. And naive girls believe the promises and wait for their biggest gift in a small box. Only this will not happen, and if a man says that he does not want to marry, this means: a) he does not want to marry you; b) he is a confirmed bachelor.
Do you need it, wait by the sea for the weather, exchanging your life for a person whom you are happy with only in the role of a housewife without the obligation to marry?
MEET THE PARENTS
Ask yourself the question - “Do you want to introduce him to your parents?” and then everything will become clear. If the answer is no, then you have no future. This means you only need him for a pleasant pastime and you don’t want to make further plans for your life with him. You should also think about the impossibility of further relationships when a young man hides you from his friends, and if you meet them somewhere by chance, he introduces you not as a girl, but as an acquaintance.
Maybe you are shy with each other and together only because you don’t want to be alone. There is only one way out - to break up.
GREED IS NOT A VICE
It means that you have been dating for about a year, but during this time your boyfriend has never given you gifts, taken you to the movies or cafes, or even given you basic pleasant little things. We don't think any girl would like this attitude. And you don’t need to accuse us of commercialism and the desire to rip you off, we just understand that, God forbid, if you marry such a cheapskate, divorce cannot be avoided, so it’s not even worth trying.
RELATIONSHIP WITH THE “MARRIED”
It was always interesting - why for a girl? After all, it is clear that he will not leave his wife for you (yes, there are exceptions to the rules, but this is not often), and if he leaves, then where is the guarantee that he will not find another girl with whom he will cheat on you?
If you want thrills, lack the status of a “mistress” and the hysterics of your chosen one’s wife - please “play around”, just don’t forget that you have no future.
SISSY
In order for such a relationship to have a future, you will have to fight “to the death” with his mother. And it’s not a fact that if you win, he will choose you. Yes, and you need it - to wrest your husband from your mother, listen to her constant complaints and put up with her advice. And when you have children, what will happen then? It will be very difficult for you, so it is better not to even start such a relationship.
THE BASIS OF EVERYTHING IS SEX
Relationships based solely on carnal pleasures cannot have a future. Yes, high-quality sex is not unimportant for, but you can’t rely on it. If you feel good together, look for common topics of conversation, interests and try it for a while. If all else fails, run...
RELATIONSHIPS ON THE NERVES
Imagine this situation - you are dating someone who just raises his hand to you, humiliates you and makes you feel like an insignificance... Do you like it? We think not. What future awaits you with a man who uses you as a punching bag at every opportunity? Sooner or later, he will either kill you or maim you so much that he will make you disabled.
And you don’t need to say that you love him and are ready to forgive everyone - this is not true (although you may have already developed “Stockholm syndrome”, which needs to be treated), you’re just afraid to leave and be left alone.
TREASON
Not every woman is ready for her man. And even if she forgave, it was only for show and at every opportunity she would not forget to remind him of the love offense. So, you either truly forgive him by never remembering the unpleasant incident, or you end the relationship once and for all.
It's true what they say: love is blind. In life, you can be sensible and attentive to little things, but as soon as you meet an amazing guy, these qualities disappear somewhere. And there’s no time for them now, it’s like this - hormones are raging, dreams are blooming in full bloom! Some girls come to their senses only after a year or two, when their loved one suddenly says: “I don’t see a future with you.” But one could have guessed that the relationship was doomed from the very beginning. Here are some very obvious signs.
He doesn't call you his
“It’s very telling how a young man introduces you to other people,” says Svetlana Boyarinova, family psychologist and author of the book “The Destination is Love. How to find the man of your dreams" . - The phrases “my girlfriend”, “my beloved” emphasize belonging. But if it’s just “my Masha” or “my friend,” then he doesn’t consider you an important part of his life.” Maybe he doesn’t count yet? No, have no illusions. From the very first days, men understand how they will treat a woman in the future: as someone whom they have been looking for all their lives, or as a backup option.
Three months is enough to understand where you are - in the center of a man’s universe or on its periphery. In the latter case, he sees no point in introducing you into his social circle. You never know, you'll soon disperse! Therefore, you will most likely see his friends only briefly and by chance; he will go to corporate parties and events that involve a companion without you (although it is not a fact that he will be alone). And if your mother calls during your date, she will answer her as if she were alone: “I’m having dinner, then I’ll probably watch a movie.” He doesn’t want her to ask him uncomfortable questions, otherwise he’ll have to introduce him again!
He decides everything without you
“In a serious, healthy relationship, both set priorities so that the partner comes first,” explains the psychologist. “This means not only choosing in favor of your loved one when it comes to fundamental issues, but also making decisions together.” Does your man advise you on how to spend your free time, or just say “Meet me on Tuesday”? Does he call to warn about an urgent departure (“Grandma is sick, I need to visit. I’ll miss you!”), or writes a laconic text message “I’ll be leaving for 3 days”?
Time, attention, money - if a man is not ready to share this for you, then you don’t mean too much to him. Only people you truly value can write nice SMS and help with their move. For everyone else, the answer is usually the simplest: “You know, I’m so busy... But I’m sure you can handle it quickly without me!”
He says he has no plans to get married
“It happens that two people meet for a long time, but they never become a family,” says Svetlana Boyarinova. - You can understand that your loved one does not see you as a wife only from his words. There are no indirect signs here.” For example, at the wedding of mutual friends, a caring “Well, when are you?” he laughs it off or says something like “We still need to see the whole world!” Or he mumbles something unintelligible in response to your direct questions: “What are your plans for the next five years? How do you see the development of our relations?” Yes, perhaps he is not yet ready for marriage in principle. But most often the reason is different - he is not ready for marriage with you. Surprisingly, but true: when a man meets the woman of his dreams, he does not hesitate to propose. So, if you suspect that you will never move to the next stage of the relationship, think about whether it's time for you to find a guy for whom you will be the right girl.
Text: Olga Lisovets
Does your relationship have a future?
If your lover is married, then it is not at all necessary that his goal is new family, which he will create with you. It is possible that all he wants is a pleasant and easy time with an attractive woman outside his usual home. More often than not, a passionate man will do everything in his power to keep you close to him.
Of course, it's entirely possible that his current marriage will end. But will he want to build a relationship with you? Moreover, he will skip the stage of rethinking the mistakes that led to the breakup of the family, and will repeat them again and again. It is likely that this familiar scenario will be transferred to you, and then the ending will be obvious.
This is why people so often enter into new marriages, and then wonder - where do the old rake come from, which again hits the forehead? And these same unprocessed negative relationship scenarios give their effect. Because no new positive love scenarios were created to replace them.
“But there are exceptions!” - you say. And you'll be right. It’s just that the likelihood of these “exceptions” is very small.
Advice: if a married man is courting you, but you don’t like him, this is one of the highest gifts of the universe (don’t forget to thank her for this). Breathe a sigh of relief, turn around and confidently walk away from him. And if a spark does flash between you, run. Run before you fall in love, losing your shoes but not your head! (thank the universe along the way).
After catching your breath after running, look around: there are enough free, successful men for everyone. It’s all a fiction, that they disappeared somewhere or were dismantled. They are! I tell my students how to look for them and marry them. And then there is no geometry in the form of love triangles - only you and only Him.
Criterion 2: holiday romance
Of course, holiday romances have little to do with your real, real life. This is rest, completely different living conditions, relaxation, a holiday every day. This is a fairly short period of time, taken away from your everyday life, children, work. And a man on vacation is in exactly the same position.
Neither you nor the man you meet are living up to your natural roles at this moment. These are absolutely not the images that are usually inherent and characteristic of you. And as soon as the pleasant fairy tale ends and you are both transported to your normal state, to the conditions real life, all masks will be reset.
Advice: On vacation, of course, you can meet a successful person with status, with whom you can build a happy family life. But in order to start a serious relationship, you need to have not the image of a woman-Lover, but a woman-Wife. This should be manifested in everything - from external image to behavior. Holidays are a great time to meet new people interesting people: Get to know each other, expand your social circle, hone your communication skills, but don’t fall in love right away.
3 criterion: love on the Internet
Have you ever written a phrase that was misinterpreted? Because it was perceived with a completely different emotional coloring than what you originally put into it? Also, depending on your mood, the photo you like, your imagination, you can create an image of an interlocutor who is not there. This person does not exist, he is a phantom. You yourself conjectured something that you did not see and did not know.
If you delay the transition to real communication from online, it can be very painful. After all, you will get used to the person you imagined, who in reality turns out to be completely different.
Moreover, if you made friends online, have been communicating only online for more than six months and don’t even plan to meet, most likely this is a virtual romance that can drag on for years and not turn into a real relationship.
Advice: use the Internet for dating, not for long virtual meetings love relationship in it. You can easily meet your love on the Internet, but strong relationships are built in real life. To meet a worthy candidate on a dating site, you need to be able to correctly compose a profile, competently conduct a conversation, interest yourself and bring the communication as quickly as possible to the first offline date.
4 criterion: pathological addictions
If your chosen one has bad habits in the form of alcohol abuse or some illegal drugs, you should not think that you can save him. “My love is capable of anything, I will heal him!” - the woman thinks and... is mistaken. If you do not break off this relationship while trying to save a drowning man, you will most likely simply drown with him. It's a shame, but the statistics show exactly this.
The woman is stuck in the role of Savior. She is gradually becoming codependent, and this is a psychological diagnosis. She is not even so much in the role of the Victim, but considers herself somewhere even omnipotent. After all, he will be lost without her, the Savior thinks, which means that she is the Goddess here, and the man is completely in her power. This is the Karpman triangle, a game of Savior, Victim and Persecutor, and it is very, very difficult to break out of it.
You need to understand that a man is a sane adult, and he must be entirely responsible for his actions. If he wants to disappear, it is only his personal choice. You cannot take responsibility for another person.
Advice: It’s better not to initially choose a man with pathological addictions. But what to do if he “happened to be”? Understand that this is his personal choice (and not the machinations of a villainous fate) and then make his own. Final and correct.
5 criterion: love addiction
This is a high degree of dependence of one partner on the other. It is also called addiction to another person. Sometimes it takes on such proportions that it can be compared to real obsession.
A person who has put another on a pedestal has an incredible need for him. He may not drink or eat, as long as his sweetheart is nearby. Catches his every glance and breath. He tortures, pulls out attention to himself with red-hot pincers.
The person at whom this knock-down flow of love and passion is directed simply drowns in it, suffocates. He tries to break off this unbearable relationship, which fetters his hands and feet and deprives him of freedom.
Advice: If you feel that you are completely consumed by an obsession with your partner, remember that this may, on the contrary, push him away. A person should not be the only meaning of your life; shift your attention to other areas. This includes self-improvement - working on yourself, on your value, significance, confidence and self-love, because happiness lies in this wonderful balance.
Criterion 6: physical violence
If there was assault and, moreover, it was repeated, most likely it will never stop, but will be repeated, repeated and repeated. It may start with slaps and slaps, then progress to more serious injuries.
You cannot tolerate such things, justify a man who may even convince you that it was you who brought him down and deserved such treatment. Our body is inviolable, no one has the right to cause us physical suffering. But you shouldn’t provoke by throwing your hands towards your partner.
Advice: If there is domestic violence in your couple, the relationship most likely needs to end. People who use physical violence can change, but unfortunately this rarely happens. A certain line has already been crossed.
7 criterion: sexual incompatibility
Here we are not talking about the first sexual experience with a new partner. Sometimes you need to get used to each other and open up. But there really is sexual incompatibility, when people do not suit each other in temperament or their preferences. Most likely, such an imbalance will only worsen over time.
It happens that one person is gentle and romantic in bed, while the second is quite active and rude. Or one needs more and more often, the other needs much less. Or someone demands role-playing games, but to others it’s just funny and stupid.
Therefore, if you see that in the intimate sphere you do not get along and are not ready to seek compromises, then you must understand that this can lead to a break in the relationship.
Advice: try to find the root of evil (and it is always there, believe me). Perhaps you should take courage and discuss your feelings with your partner or seek help from an intimacy expert. If this is not a physical incompatibility, then a solution to the problem may be found here.
8th criterion: lack of common interests
We are talking about cases when a man and a woman do not have common points of contact, they do not live by common interests and do not set similar goals for themselves. Yes, now they have passion, it brings them closer, but this is with time will pass, and then what will remain for the once loving couple?
Only common moments of life together can become the basis and support for the further development of harmonious personal relationships. If you want to be together, you must work to ensure that these common points of contact still appear, and you look in the same direction, having a common vector of joint movement.
Otherwise, you will not have a common basis for the future, but will get a non-working relationship scenario of the “Swan, cancer and pike” type.
Advice: If you care about a man, try to find enough common ground with him. Common goals, interests, plans, recreation bring closer and strengthen the union.
Criterion 9: relationships come last
This is an option when relationships are at the very bottom of the list of life priorities. How to understand this? The man does not make joint plans for the future. He is in no hurry to introduce you to acquaintances and friends. You know practically nothing about him, because he talks very sparingly about himself. Besides, you can say that he is not interested in your life.
You won't see any of his investment in himself and your relationship. Does not waste time resources, does not invest emotionally. There is no care or guardianship here. He remembers your existence only when he needs it, when he himself is interested in it.
Your time is running out, but things are still there. His work, parents, children from previous marriages, and personal hobbies come first. Anything, but not you.
Advice: determine the cause: observe and analyze. A man doesn’t want a long-term relationship or a relationship with you specifically? In the second case, you need to change not him, but yourself. If a man is not yet ready for marriage in principle, think about it: are you ready to wait or force, to work on your relationship painstakingly and consistently? This will be the solution.
10 criterion: large difference in age and status
It is believed that from the point of view of physiological health and psychology, the difference between spouses should not be more than 15 years. Otherwise, the chances of creating a harmonious family drop sharply. Why is this happening? One of the problems is the difficulty in understanding and interaction between different generations.
In addition, an increase in the age interval leads to various health risks for partners. But despite this, there is now a definite tendency towards an increase in this difference. Behind last years the percentage of such marriages has increased significantly. And, despite the risks, many men and women have found harmony in relationships and happiness in marriage.
But we must understand that not all couples are capable of building such a family. It happens that everything is fine for the first few years, and then everything starts to fall apart like a house of cards.
Advice: Each person is individual, like any relationship in a couple. You shouldn’t give up if your partner turns out to be 15 years and 1 day older (younger). It is important to understand what problems you may encounter and be able to solve them. If you see that this is your loved one, and he is perfect for you, then being here for years is not a hindrance. As for the social difference, a wise woman can grow up to a man and become his wife, everything is only in our hands.
Analyze your relationships based on these criteria.
Perhaps it’s time for you to stop building castles in the air and wasting your time?.. Or maybe you will hear these bells in time and be able to direct the relationship in the right direction.
I, Julia Lanske, an expert in selecting the ideal couple for marriage, wish you to become a happy, loved and desired woman for your man.
The ability to end a relationship is one of the skills needed by a modern woman.
100 years ago, the ability to end a relationship with a man was practically not required - if a guy and a girl liked each other, they immediately got married and started living together, and then did not get divorced. If courtship reached the stage of intimacy, the guy was morally obliged to marry. Until the middle of the last century, even schools were separate for boys and girls.
Today the situation is developing differently. Already at school, girls begin to communicate with boys and create couples. Sometimes this communication is innocent, but quite often teenage friendship turns into sexual intercourse. Regardless of what you think about it, whether you approve or not (I, of course, would like my daughter to preserve her innocence longer), this is the reality of today's life.
Therefore, from a young age, girls need the ability to end relationships (with or without intimacy).
Why is it important to end a relationship that has no future?
The longer you are in a relationship that has become a burden, the sadder your life will be. You might even get depressed. The same thing if you understand that your partner has stopped loving you and no longer wants to be with you, but for some reason does not tell you about it. In such a situation, if there are no children together, the sooner you separate, the better for both of you.
To be in a relationship where you are not in love with the person or he does not love you is robbing yourself. You could spend this time with the person you love and who adores you, perhaps get married, have a child, set up your own home. Both you and the man deserve to be with someone you want to be with.
How to understand that a relationship has no future
Ask yourself:
- If I were choosing a partner today, would I choose the same person?
Very often, when I ask women this question, they answer without thinking: of course not!
When you ask divorced people if they think they made the decision to separate too late, most people say yes. The length of time it took for them to end the relationship usually varies from 3 to 7 years.
That is, for 3-7 years people live unhappy, suffering and irritated in communication with their partner. They knew for years that the relationship had no future, but were afraid to end it. Is it worth torturing yourself?
Give yourself 1 week to think about it for every full or partial year you spend together. During this time, try not to quarrel, swear, talk less and listen more. If a conflict arises, simply remain silent and give your partner the opportunity to speak. Don't respond to his accusations, say that you have nothing to say at the moment. If, after the allotted time, you still feel that the relationship has no future, it may be time to end it.
How to end a relationship with a man peacefully
Naturally, the right path depends on the duration of the relationship, the presence of children, living separately or together.
(If there are children in the family, it is worth discussing this issue with your mother, since separation will affect all family members. Remember that you are connected with the father of your children forever and the psyche and future family relationships of your children depend on how you separate. Planning divorce is different from having to end a relationship with a man with whom you have no joint offspring.)
If you don't live together, just disappear for 1-2 days, turn off your phone and don't respond to SMS. If you live together, you can do the same by going to visit your mother or friend for a few days. If you see that a man is very worried (according to the texts of his messages and the number of calls), then answer once, but briefly, that everything is fine with you. The goal here is to change the usual order of communication in order to create a platform for serious conversations, which men terribly dislike and usually avoid.
Your man will become worried and will already know something is going on. After this, you can organize a conversation in which you say something like the following: I’ve been thinking about this for several weeks, but now I’ve given myself time to think carefully and decided that I can’t give you what you need, and I don’t see the point in the continuation of our relationship. You are a great guy, a wonderful person, but I don't have the same feelings for you that I had in the beginning. It’s very hard for me to tell you this and I really struggled with how to say it all, but I realized that you deserve more, you deserve to have a girl who truly loves you.
Here (or earlier) he will ask: are you leaving me?
Reply: yes, I think we should break up.
Then listen carefully to what he has to say, don’t argue, don’t cry, don’t swear, don’t have sex. Just listen carefully and don’t object (even if you don’t agree), you can nod or make non-committal “Mmm” sounds. If he demands that you answer something, repeat in other words what you have already said: you deserve more, I cannot give it to you.
If he says, no, I really want you, I don’t need anyone but you, answer: “I’m very sorry” or “I understand, but I can’t give you what you want.”
That is, stick to the same line as at the beginning:
- It’s hard for you to talk about it;
- you don't know how to say it, but you are not able to give him what he needs;
- you have made a decision;
- there is no reason other than that you do not see a future in your relationship;
- you both deserve better in life.
Don't give him any reason why or what he did wrong. It's best to end this conversation quickly.
Safety precautions when ending a relationship with a man
Ideally, you should talk to your ex-partner in person. This will be more respectful and allow him to have his say, which is important. But this option is not always suitable in a real situation.
- If you do not live together and your relationship is no more than 1-2 months old, then you can talk on the phone.
- If you live together, it is better to do this in person, unless you are afraid that the man may react aggressively.
- Tell someone you trust 100% about the upcoming conversation (mom, grandmother, decent friend). You can also call her and put the phone in your pocket so she can hear what's going on.
- If your partner is capable of aggression, have someone with you when talking - your mother, father or other responsible companion, this person may be in another room. If you are not sure of your own safety even in this case, you should not do this personally.
- Never send a text or email; at a minimum, talk on the phone.
In my youth, I used this method when I decided to end my relationship with a guy: I stopped doing all the good things for him, began to deliberately irritate him, and when he exploded and said unpleasant things to me, I was demonstratively offended and left, leaving him to blame. Today I understand that it was cowardly and such manipulation leaves bad feelings, so it’s better to part ways peacefully and kindly. But then I didn’t have the right words and I didn’t know how to do it.
How to take care of a man's feelings during a breakup
It’s strange for men if a breakup happens “out of the blue.” Therefore, it is better if he takes care in advance and understands that something is happening and prepares himself mentally for the changes. It is precisely these goals that are achieved by silent, calm and detached behavior, leaving for a few days to visit mother, and lack of telephone contact.
This way, your relationship will already be broken, so it's easier to turn temporary into permanent. You should not reproach a man for his misdeeds or explain to him the reasons. After all main reason is that you don't want to be with him anymore. No matter what exactly he did wrong, you have made a decision and do not expect any action from him.
Some girls think that it is necessary to tell the man the “reason” for breaking up so that he can “correct.” What, you didn’t tell him about this problem before? If you did, then he already knows very well what you don’t like. At the moment of separation, the most important thing for you is to end the relationship. This is where you need to concentrate your efforts. Talking about his mistakes and misdeeds here will only get in the way: showdowns, excuses will begin, the conversation may turn to a raised tone - as a result, you will have a quarrel, but you wanted to leave peacefully. Leave the re-education to the next woman who may be able to achieve the desired result. You've already tried and it didn't work out - that's why you decided to end the relationship.