On many women's forums on the Internet, the following question is often discussed: why a man does not want a relationship and at the same time does not let go. Lovely ladies talk about their real feelings and the strange behavior of their partners, who for a long time have not sought to change their status as a bachelor to a husband. But at the same time, they do not want to let the woman go, constantly keeping her close.
And he doesn’t want to, and doesn’t let go... Why?
Does the proverb “A dog lies in the manger, neither eats nor gives it to others” remind you of anything? Many women have been in a situation where a relationship with a man entered a strange phase. It seems that they exist, these relationships, but if you look more closely, no.
It happens that the actions of the man himself resemble a pendulum: today he wanted, called, met, tomorrow he disappeared. Today he is gallant and cheerful, tomorrow he barely smiles. Appeared, disappeared for a week. And having noticed a weakening interest in his person, he again begins to passionately court and convince him of his feelings. To be doused with cold and indifference again after some time.
Perhaps some men like to play cat and mouse without thinking about women's feelings. Representatives of the fairer sex always strive for a more stable way of life, for harmony in personal relationships. A man is by nature a hunter and owner. When you are nearby, interest in you begins to decline (why bother, the victim is here).
But as soon as a girl becomes just a little interested in another man, she starts dating a new man. bright image life without him, our guy goes out on the hunting trail again to bring you back.
The trouble is that when a woman falls in love with such a hunter, she may not even wait Serious relationships, having spent the best years in empty dreams of a man. Moreover, the latter does not even need to convince the victim of his feelings. A woman in love is ready to find any excuse for her partner’s actions in order to convince herself that he needs her: she doesn’t call - she lost her phone, she doesn’t come - she went on a business trip, she doesn’t make dates - she’s sick.
Finding out the reasons
Any representative of the strong half of humanity is flattered by the idea that they love him, are waiting for him, and are ready to do a lot for his attention. It happens that this does not require straining. Why give up something that just floats into your hands without much effort. What other reasons can force a man to keep a woman whom he does not love near him?
- A long-term relationship that has already fizzled out. But until a new love appears, a man is not going to break with his old affection, from memory considering it his property. Habit is a terrible force!
- Confusion in feelings, especially when there are two partners. Here the situation is even more complicated, since the man cannot decide which of them he loves more. And that’s why he doesn’t let both of them go.
- The guy is too young for a serious relationship and marriage, and in the current situation he is very comfortable and calm. Perhaps he will mature around the age of... forty. To wait or not to wait, the choice is up to the woman.
- Fear of loneliness, especially at an older age, can become the cause of an unhappy union. The situation may not be so hopeless if the man still lets go of his partner for the sake of a new lady of his heart.
- It happens that such relationships are convenient for a man, flatter his pride, make him feel like the pinnacle of the universe, the arbiter of destinies, a kind of little god in a separate universe. Such a person is unlikely to want to change anything.
Or maybe you are afraid of loneliness? Is the man trying to shift the right of choice onto you?
Drawing conclusions
Are there not enough women stuck in such relationships because they are afraid of losing their man? Communication, like a sticky tape that wraps around the consciousness, does not allow you to start new relationships, open up to new people, or live happily to the fullest. Sometimes years pass, and a woman just waits for the rush at work to end, for her mother to stop getting sick, for her friend’s problems to end... Years go by, friends start their own families, but your partner still cannot ripen for a serious relationship.
Trying to guess when a friend will finally see something in you and decide to make you happy with the status “my girlfriend” or “my wife” is not worth it. If he had been blind for a long time, he is unlikely to see now. Of course, it's your choice and you can:
- try once again to restore connection and resurrect feelings;
- show selfishness and continue to take advantage of your partner without loving him;
- break off all relationships and build a new life.
It happens that There is only one way out - to be really angry with yourself, your unsettled life, on the chains with which you chained yourself to the wrong partner. You need to gather your spreading dignity into a fist and have a serious conversation with the man. Often such frank conversations are weak point stronger sex. They are afraid of them and try to avoid them. But the topic of your relationship should be discussed until the young man decides to talk about his feelings or lack thereof.
When planning to make a decision about the fate of your relationship, you need to consider the following factors:
- duration of relationship;
- existing common children, property, circle of acquaintances;
- the strength of one's own feelings;
- today's attitude towards you.
But if a man does not want to make contact, he is satisfied with the situation of your dependence, and there is no desire to change anything in his life, take the first step yourself.
This is the strangeness inherent in representatives of the stronger sex. And who said that women's logic is a complete joke? What about the masculine one - “I don’t make noise myself, and I won’t give it to anyone else”? Agree, this behavior is no less amusing. At least, from the outside it seems that way.
Although women who have connections with such types are clearly not laughing. Showing indifference on the one hand, and unwillingness to let go on the other, the partner “dooms” the lady to a state of limbo. Moreover, he often suffers from this himself - he feels guilty for his behavior and at the same time realizes his inability to take responsibility and break off the relationship.
One of the most common explanations for why a man won't let go or hold on is... confusion. It would seem like a completely feminine problem, but, alas, a representative of the stronger half can also get lost in his own feelings. Anything can happen in life, and sexual contact, which later turns into love story, and which the person may not have wanted, anything could have contributed:
- Setting (resort romance).
- Excessive initiative of the lady.
- Accident (under the influence of alcohol, stress, etc.).
If a person has a clear position about his family, then most likely the relationship will not continue. Accordingly, no one will get hurt. But this rarely happens, since the majority of men are very susceptible to temptation. Wives and children fade into the background, and the mistress becomes the main object of adoration. And after a month or two, a person may suddenly see the light and even be shocked by what he himself is doing. This is where the “I’m confused” situation occurs - he STILL cannot give up his wife, but he can no longer give up his mistress.
Reasons why the chosen one does not let go and does not hold. In addition to confusion, men may have several other reasons that provoke this behavior:
- Habit. It's so convenient for a person. He is selfish by nature and lacks self-confidence. The fact that one’s own comfort comes before the feelings of both partners is beyond doubt. The mistress turns out to be just an option for sex, which is humiliating and regrettable.
Advice to your better half: Don’t humiliate yourself, you deserve true happiness and, above all, respect. This connection makes no sense. You will simply waste a portion of your life.
- Inferiority complex. Perhaps the girl is too soft, forgives her beloved everything, vows to wait for him all her life, etc. Impunity makes a man arrogant and overly confident in his merits. A mistress can even hear incorrect statements addressed to her. Why? Because he has a lot of complexes about his own importance and usefulness. And to take them out, one wife is not enough.
- Owner. Often in a love triangle, none of the parties (except for the faithful, of course) are aware of each other’s presence. And God forbid that the secret is revealed and “Casanova” has to make a choice. Because he is an owner by nature, a person deprived of honesty and education. His goal is to keep both passions by hook or by crook. And in the most unscrupulous way: with impossible promises, emotional conversations, complaints, oaths, etc. The chosen ones, as a rule, believe and wait. So, their lives pass in anticipation...
What should a passion do: wait or take the initiative into your own hands?
How does this type relate? male half? What to do if he seems to love you, but makes you doubt him?
First, understand the palette of feelings. If there is love or strong affection between you, then it is worth saving the relationship. But you definitely need to find out whether the chosen one himself needs them? Or will they continue on the initiative of the partner? Sound arguments, as well as your intuition, will help suggest the right answer.
There are thousands of examples when a couple went through a similar stage and finally reunited - the partner made a choice in favor of a new beloved.
Of course, we cannot do without sad (for mistresses) statistics. Often a one-sided initiative does not lead to anything good - the couple breaks up, he returns to the family or finds a new hobby. Therefore, when making a decision, weigh everything. First of all, gather your thoughts and ask yourself how you feel for this person - are you confusing love with wounded pride or wounded pride? Or maybe it’s just an addiction and you need to heal yourself, and then make claims against someone else? Draw conclusions based on honest answers to these questions.
Some psychologists also advise finding out what psychological benefits you get from such communication. If there are reasons and if they are compelling enough, then a woman simply needs to realize this with a sound mind. After realizing, she may decide to stay with the person, only the experience will no longer be so painful.
Also love relationship They compare it to a chess game - first one move, then the other. The rules are set before the game. The one who started first leads the party. So, when a relationship is initiated by the stronger half, the woman often agrees, as a result of which she then suffers. When an attempt is made to change the rules and establish your own, this turns out to be impossible - it is unprofitable for the man.
Advice: If you are unable to change the rules, approach the situation radically - change your partner. But first, think about what will be less painful for you - staying or quitting. When in doubt, take a piece of paper and write down the pros and cons of your novel, and then make a decision.
Time to dot all the i's
How to put an end to it if your lover doesn’t hold and doesn’t let go? When a lover promises to choose between you and his wife, but does not, you need to understand that he will never keep his promise. Therefore, there is no respect for your feelings here. The lover is sure that you will not escape from him, because you love so much that you will endure everything. And if not, you just need to hint that he will find a replacement and you will submit again. Is not it?
It also happens that a person continues to communicate with his mistress (by phone), but constantly reschedules meetings. Most likely, there has been another (that is, a third) here for a long time, and he is simply keeping you in reserve. This attitude is even more humiliating.
Therefore, do not wait for him to trample you into the dirt so that you stop respecting yourself. Take action! The decision to break up should be made by you, not him. Moreover, let your “beloved” understand that you are not his property, that you are a person who has dignity and pride. But be careful - often the stronger sex, sensing something is wrong, begins to become active. Outraged by the fact that HIS property has decided to become an independent person or, worse, to get himself a new boyfriend, his loved one can immediately rush in and tell tales about how bored he was. Don't flatter yourself. If you give up, he will use the same tactics, and you will wait another six months for a meeting.
Remember - it's better to put the point first. And it’s better to put it away forever, otherwise your lover will torment you until you grow old and become useless to anyone. Of course, a man occupies not the last place in a lady’s life, but you cannot tolerate humiliation just because you are afraid of being left alone.
Appreciate, respect, love, but only first of all yourself, and therefore your beloved.
This person will hold you as long as you allow him to do so. Being in such a relationship with you, he solves his emotional problems at your expense, reserves the opportunity to return if something suddenly stops suiting him in the new conditions, takes away from you the opportunity to arrange your own happy destiny, the right to decide, your energy, strength, nerves. Why are you doing this to yourself? Who told you that you are nothing of yourself, that you are not worthy of all the best? Try to understand the fact that you are with this person already broke up, already They stopped being a couple, in any case, he improved his life, rebuilt it, knows how to live without you. You need to do the same - you have every right, you simply must become happy, for yourself, your loved one, start living, because he does not value you, he made his choice, you make yours too. Try to emotionally disconnect from him, this means stopping, if possible, any participation in his life (in general, do not direct attention, and therefore energy, in his direction, to the past), try to immediately switch attention to something else at the first thought , memories of him, a meeting, do not be interested, do not communicate at all, unless only for forced reasons (be calm, independent, natural, self-sufficient, without forcefully demonstrating anything with your appearance and behavior, without proving, without asking) and begin to build your a new happy life, realizing that without him it is quite possible. Analyzing the relationship for yourself, know that no matter what happens, you are not unilaterally to blame for anything (both partners always play an equal role in the occurrence of their problem), you deserve to be happy, loved, for nothing, just for what you are, without doing anything special for it or deserving it, without investing all your strength and time into this process of understanding what happened and why, without turning expectations and suffering into the meaning of your existence. Let's accept what happened as a life experience, free ourselves from the wrong perception of ourselves and negative emotions, begin to become ourselves and realize our value as a person, a beautiful woman, beauty, intelligence, kindness, responsiveness, humor and all other positive qualities (you have them). a lot, fill it in yourself! this is a psychological exercise). No means will produce any effect until you create the necessary harmony within yourself, until you love yourself as much as you once loved him, until you begin to invest strength, money, time, and resources into yourself. Start living for yourself, in joy and pleasure, in the full sense of these expressions, allow yourself this, this will be the first significant step towards letting go of the past, all the negativity, to shifting the focus of attention from the man’s actions to improving your life as a whole, and therefore to finding peace of mind. You should pay attention to yourself, stop focusing on what happened, thinking about the motives and consequences of his behavior and turn around, or rather completely reorient yourself exclusively - life is too short to waste it on illusions and those who do not value you. The meaning of life has not gone away, there is always something and someone to live for, even those who have a few days left to live find meaning. Stop getting upset and imagining all possible horrors, this won’t help yourself. Also, do not look for salvation from loneliness, for support in other people, men - look for an internal source of vitality, you have it. In order to survive any negative events, you need to let out the emotions experienced as a result (they are still inside you, not experienced, not reacted), cry, scream, hit a pillow or punching bag in the gym, break it, tear it up, whatever you don’t mind , write on a piece of paper everything you want to part with forever, all the negativity and tear it up, burn it - it will become easier, proven by experience. There are physical exercises that are pleasant and acceptable to you, walks in nature also give a colossal boost of energy, if you really feel the sensations you get, watch comedies and funny shows (this is laughter therapy) - find your own way to recharge yourself with positivity, your own method of self-regulation. Look at the situation from this point of view: this person performed a certain function next to you, gave you experience, there is no point in being with him anymore, parting and being alone with yourself is not only sad emotions, they will pass, it is also an opportunity to understand yourself , experience, a chance to find a joyful activity, attract a person into your life who will appreciate you exactly as you are, love you, make you feel that you are the best, because you are, look at the world through the eyes of someone who freely manages their time and a person... and much more. Understand that you do not owe anything to anyone, you are not obliged to please someone, and if you do not meet someone’s standards, you will feel unhappy. Never dissolve in another person or relationship, maintain your integrity. Do not let your feeling of happiness and fullness of life depend on another person, his opinion or behavior. Just pay attention to yourself, understand that the most important value for you is yourself. What to do next with your life is up to you. Yes, you will have to change your life, but that doesn’t mean for the worse. Switch to yourself. Start looking for opportunities to receive joyful emotions - now for you this is like sanatorium treatment, relaxation, doctors and medicines combined. Love yourself, value and respect - people, men, will treat you the same way. Allow yourself to become happy regardless of the presence of other people in your life. All love begins with self-love, so love yourself for who you are, and the attitude of other people towards you will also change for the better. Self-love is unconditional acceptance of yourself as you are, the ability to see positive and negative traits in yourself, develop good ones, not deny, not give up bad ones (although there are definitely no good and bad ones, there are 2 sides to everything), understand your desires , to feel that you are good regardless of the opinions of others, age, education, finances, appearance, status. A sense of self-worth is a deeply internal, unshakable and independent confidence that you yourself are valuable, important, worthy of love, happiness, respect and all kinds of praise. Everything will be fine for you, believe me, everything will fall into place as soon as you begin to treat yourself with care and respect (this is self-love). Never expect that someone will help, advise, make decisions for you, make your life happy - build it yourself, fill it with new desired content. Do the best for yourself. Be good, first of all, for yourself, become your main value, an object of effort, a life guide. You are worth it, you will never abandon yourself, do not offend, do not betray. Believe in yourself, you can, you will achieve anything, everything will work out for you, don’t be afraid of anything - live with these thoughts. Each person chooses for himself whether to be happy or unhappy - allow yourself to be whatever you want. Take action. This is a very short answer. Do you want support and professional advice- contact me, I’m always happy to help, support, and find acceptable ways to resolve the situation. Good luck, love and harmony with yourself. I will be grateful for your assessment of the answer.
Good afternoon. I was interested in your answer “This person will hold you as long as you allow him to do this. Being with you...” to the question http://www.. Can I discuss this answer with you?
Discuss with an expertThere are such relationships when a woman seems to be not alone, she has a man, but this man is like a red sun - he will either appear or disappear. And it’s not clear whether to consider yourself free and build new ones, or to wait for a man to decide and do right choice. If a man does not love and does not let go, then how best to behave is in this article.
Why doesn't a man let go and hold on?
This behavior is typical of an owner and an incredible egoist who, for the sake of personal comfort and convenience, neglects the feelings of his partner. Such relationships can begin immediately or transform after a few years. life together, but in any case, this suggests that the man does not truly love, but he also does not want to give up any benefit. In the case of a wife, this could be a well-established life, children, and in the case of a mistress, it could be passionate. Many people are interested in why a married man does not let his mistress go, but everything is simple here. He is so comfortable - at home there is comfort and warmth, care and attention, but he lacks bright emotions and passion, but his mistress has it all, so why give it all up?
It happens that a man does not let go and does not bring him closer, because he has not yet decided, he is still thinking. Living in different cities, it is difficult to build relationships, but after some time, after weighing all the pros and cons, the partner suggests moving in together and living together. If a woman is embarrassed and nervous by such a suspended state, then she should talk frankly with her partner and find out everything. But more often than not, she intuitively understands that this can lead to a breakup and endures it, waiting for the man to take responsibility and make a decision. Whether such an expectation is worth it is up to her to decide, but practice shows that such relationships rarely continue. If a woman is self-sufficient, self-confident and understands what kind of man she needs, then she breaks this connection herself, going in search of another partner.
Oh, these men - not for themselves, not for people! The man takes a place next to the woman, pretending that he is an important person in her life, and she can’t live without him. And so that she does not doubt his irreplaceability, he disappears when she needs him most, or remains only formally near her, promising that “tomorrow” he will definitely get married, and today he has more important things to do (wife, friends, work etc.) And she waits because she loves, believes and hopes for the promised happiness together.
And this “tomorrow” does not come the day after tomorrow, or in a month, or in a year, but it happens from time to time, and is again accompanied by oaths, guilty babble or a game of silence. For what? If a woman, according to a man, is not worthy of his love and constancy, then at least she deserves the truth. Bitter, unpleasant, inconvenient, but honest truth. Being a temporary shelter or alternate airfield is very disappointing! What to do if a man does not start a serious relationship, but does not let go?
Who is to blame and what to do?
Most likely, you have asked yourself these eternal questions more than once. And the culprit, of course, was assigned. This is a man? Don't rush into "diagnoses". He may be a “goat”, a “womanizer”, an “insensitive stump” or a “bloated peacock”, but firstly, there are no only guilty ones in a relationship, and secondly, you need to understand the reasons that guide his behavior . It may only seem to you that the man does not want a serious relationship, but in fact, he simply cannot give it to you. But what should we do about it? Identify and then eliminate the cause.
A man is not capable of categorical decisions
This character trait may be due to childhood complexes and self-doubt. All his life, other people made important decisions for a man: parents, teachers, managers, friends. And he, perhaps, would be happy to honestly say a decisive “no” or a clear “marry me” to your relationship, but he has not developed the experience of refusal, or he is afraid of responsibility, so he goes with the flow. A man is capable of making only one decision - not deciding anything.
What to do?
This unsightly trait is characteristic of henpecked men. They are obedient, manageable, dependent and helpful in everything. It is easier for them to agree with the unacceptable desires of others than to openly protest. It is naive to hope that one day such a man will learn to insist on his own. He won't learn! And you will have to decide everything for him, as for a child. Therefore, if such a man is your case, take the initiative in own hands, and decide for yourself whether you should continue a relationship from which he does not dare leave or stay.
A man is dissatisfied with a woman, but hopes that she will improve
When it seems that such a man is not serious about relationships, you need to understand that they do not suit him, and he expects the woman to change. As a rule, he takes a direct part in its metamorphoses. Passive, if she leaves silently, but after a certain period of time returns to see if she has become wiser. Active, if with enviable consistency and patience, he re-educates a woman, sincerely believing that under his sensitive leadership “black” will become “white”.
What to do?
It all depends on the man. If his criticism is constructive, and he himself is impeccable and meets the image of perfection that he requires of you, change. This is growth and the need to fit in with a worthy man. If he is demanding only of you, and groundlessly elevates his shortcomings to the level of advantages, run away from him. He will never be happy with you. And at the moment when you achieve the ideal in your attempts to please him, he will devalue you and pull you “to the bottom” so as not to seem like a nonentity against your background.
A man is afraid of loneliness
Intellectually, such a man understands that the relationship is going well and requires serious development, but he is afraid to make a decision. From the outside it may seem that a man simply does not need a woman, since he is not looking for constancy with her. But everything can be completely the opposite - he is possessed by the fear of loneliness. A man fears that the woman he loves will one day be disappointed in him, fall out of love, become interested in someone else, and leave him. And to avoid this pain, he does not treat the woman seriously. Being abandoned and being abandoned are two different things for a vulnerable psyche.
What to do?
In most cases, these neurotic relationships have no future. A man can only be helped by a specialist who can cure his phobias coming from childhood or from a failed past relationship. If he doesn't understand this, he won't be able to build a healthy relationship. Do you need life with a person who, fearing loneliness, dooms you to it too?
Womanizer man
Hoping to ring and settle down a womanizer is a stupid idea and dangerous for a woman’s pride. A stamp in his passport will not correct his habits. He is by nature a “sultan”, which is impossible without a harem. It makes no sense to expect a serious relationship from him. They are serious with him every time new woman for the whole night. How can he decide on one if by doing so he will offend another, a third, or a tenth? If a man stays late or periodically appears with the same woman, this does not mean anything serious. She just hooked him a little more with something: sex, borscht, helpfulness.
What to do?
Run! Run without looking back so that you don’t get sucked into women’s favorite pastime called “I’m special! I will cure him with love and pull him out of this vicious swamp!” How many have been ruined by this delusion? women's destinies. It is impossible to cure someone who is not sick. Womanizers do not suffer from Don Juanism. It's theirs habitat a habitat!
The man is obsessed with himself
We are not necessarily talking about an egoist or a narcissist. This may be a completely adequate man, but in love not with a woman, but with his profession or hobby. A woman will always be in second place for him. She is beneficial to the “genius” because she is in love, convenient, selfless and selfless. He will appear in her life only for a dose of inspiration or clean socks.
What to do?
There are three options. First: become a “Decembrist” muse and accept the rules of a man’s game. Second: to also be a genius in his hobbies and set his own rules of the game. Third: if he is really talented, has recognition and awards, bask in the rays of his glory, and let him think that you are not serious about him, because you are with him when you can shine next to him in the moments of his victories, and not with him when you need to wash his socks.